The traffic in my brain is driving me insane

There are so many things I would like to say and explain. There are just these things that are bothering me and it affects me more than I would like to admit or say. I've never had many friends. And maybe I'm not the type of girl for it or maybe people just don't like me. And that was at primary school, at high school and now at this school. At primary school I tried to fit in and I acted like I thought they wanted me to act and people still didn't liked me. I didn't had one good friend in my class. Only outside of school. When I went to high school I still had the same problem. Only people (they didn't even knew me) thought that I was arrogant. Apparently me face looked like that. I still had frequently a fight with this girl in my class, because she provoked me and I said what I thought of her. And she also said all kinds of things about me and everyone believed her. After the first year she dropped out. The second year on high school I got more friends. In total we were with five of us. And I really thought I had some good friends. What was I wrong. I got into a fight with one of my 'friends'. She managed to set everyone against me. The whole class, except for one girl. We were friends trough the whole high school period, but even she treated me like crap sometimes. There were so many moments that I was at school and just wanted to go home and not because of the classes I had, but because of the people. Especially in the last year of high school. I was so unhappy and I did some things I really regret now. But I'm not going to say more about that. I was SO SO glad when I was done with high school. I thought that everything would be different at my new school. And it was in the first year. I liked to go to school, I liked the people and I really had friends. I could get along with everyone in my class. I never experienced that before. But all of that changed this year. I have the feeling that I'm no longer welcome and that I annoy them. I'm just hanging around them, being quiet and I really do try to talk along with them, but then they give me this face. This face that I have to shut up and that everything I say is not interesting. And everytime I keep thinking I just have to keep acting happy and talk to them. And I do that. I do that and I try to talk along and I keep trying. But it is so exhausting. I keep feeling that I'm alone.

Like yesterday. Everyone had to go back to school. Our internship has ended, everyone had to turn in their essays. And when I walked in the classroom, I stopped to look around who was there and saw two girls that I mostly 'hang out' with at school. I walked towards them and said hi and asked how everything was and whatever. And they said everything was fine and that's it. So I walked away to an empty chair and just sat there. After everything was done, we could go home. And I was walking with those two girls and they were talking to each other and I was feeling like I was the fifth weel. And finally they agreed to do something together wednesday after school and they didn't asked me anything. And it doesn't sound worse or anything like that now. But it always went like this. At primary school, at high school and now. I keep feeling like I'm such an outsider.

I talked to boyfriend about this and he thinks it's because they maybe can't stand the fact that I'm always honest. Or that I have some expensive shoes. But I didn't had shoes like these at primary or high school. So what's the excuse for that? I just can't figure out why people keep acting to me this way. And if I didn't had Evi or boyfriend, I wouldn't had no one. Except for my mom and dad. But you can't keep doing things with your parents. I like it do things with them, but sometimes you just want to do things with friends.

And actually is my blog kind of my escape from the real world. It's the place where people actually give me the chance to be myself and don't judge you the moment they see you. It's my little world where everything is postive. Mostly. So when I get a negative comment from someone, it can bother me so incredibly much. And that's also the reason why I react so intense to it. It's my place, where everything has to be positive and when someone has something negative to say, I can get really mad about it. Maybe because that shows me that this isn't an escape.

Maybe it isn't a good idea to tell this whole story here and I also don't mean this as a cry for attention. On the contrary. Writing this off relieves me and I just need someone who can maybe explain this to me. Who can give me advice how I can handle this. Boyfriend, dad and my mom already helped me a bit, but in some way it just doesn't really helpes me. And I don't mean this mean to them, I really don't. Isn't it that people don't listen to advice from people they love, but do listen to advice from people they don't know? Oh, maybe it isn't or maybe it is. Don't know.

Even right now I'm feeling a bit better I must say. I even have this 'just let them' attitude at the moment. But if someone does have some advice for me or lives in a similar situation and found a way to deal with it, I would like to hear it. And as a thank you for the ones who read this whole post (respect if you did it), I am going to post an outfit. It wasn't my intention at first actually.

Sorry for the bad quality. The pictures were really dark, so I made them a bit lighter.


This outfit was from january

Band jacket, vintage
Lace shirt, Fornarina
Black shirt, American vintage
Jeans (!), Nudie
Wedges, Stella McCartney

And just so you know, I'm glad I 'met' so many wonderful people out here. And the next post isn't going to be so dramatic as this one! ;) By the way. This really really relieved me! I'm feeling so much better now. Feeling like myself again. But still. Here that advice! Haha.