Though this dream doesn't sound horrible, the feeling it's giving me now is horrible. It makes me realize how many mistakes I made with boys. 2 times my heart was really broken. The first time when I was 14 and the second time when I was 16. In the meantime there were other boys, but not that special to me. When I was 14 I got my first kiss from the guy that broke my heart. I thought he would be my first actual boyfriend. A few weeks after that first kiss he got an other girlfriend and now I'm wondering, was my heart broken because I really was in love, or because the idea from 'first boyfriend' was gone? Now I'm thinking about it and I'm almost sure it's because the boyfriend idea was gone. I hated, pure hate, his girlfriend because she stole that from me. And I thought she was slutty. I must admit that I still think she is, haha. Oooh, bad karma!
The second heartbreak was more painful. I was 15 in the beginning of everything. He was 18. I was in my exam year of high school (he also) and in every break, I walked through the school. You could walk through the school (main floor) and be back at the place where you started in about 3 minutes. I did that because I knew where he sat in the breaks. I wanted him to see me. And he did saw me. He added me on msn and I couldn't believe it! How could a guy like him, like me?! We had long conversations on msn, but in real life I was too shy to talk to him. After a few weeks I met him, I got a boyfriend (it's something that also happened, but that would make the story too long). I've had a boyfriend for about 2 months, when I broke up with him. I didn't liked him that much like the other guy. I was ignoring my feelings for him. Something I couldn't do any longer. I told him the story and after a few days (I believe) we wanted to see each other (all the exams were done, so we didn't saw each other at school anymore), so he came to my house. That was the day we kissed for the first time. After that first time we saw each other another couple of times, but never longer than 2 hours. Everytime when I tried to arrange something with him, he cancelled at the last moment. I hated him so much for that. I was so mad. After a few months I found out he had a girlfriend. First I was noxious, then mad, then happy (odd enough) and then I was sad. So, so, so sad. I couldn't stop crying that day.
I was feeling hurt about it for about a year I think... After that the hurting was gone and I was mad. I also found out he only wanted me for the sex. Now I'm not mad at him anymore. I think it's a pathetic figure, because he wanted a 15 year old for sex. Maybe it's stupid that I didn't saw that, but something cliché is true. Love does make you blind.
I'm sorry for this whole story, but I needed to write this off. When I started this, I was feeling mad. Now I'm okay again! But I found something out. After those painful heartbreaks, I learned something. You shouldn't walk after a guy. He should walk after you. Something I didn't do at first. A mistake I probably will make again in the future. But I need to keep an eye on myself, because if a guy wants me, he has to go for me. Because if he doesn't, I'll just think I'm not the girl for him. Though I don't really want to think to have a new boyfriend... Not now.
It was my intention to make new photo's today, but my cold got back. I feel pretty bad. So I'm afraid you'll have to do it with an old outfit. Well, old... More from December. Not one of my favorite outfits. And there are no detail shots this time, sorry!
Vintage band jacket, dress and bow
Pieces scarf
Birdcage necklace from Ilovevintage.nl
Givenchy ankleboots
Pieces scarf
Birdcage necklace from Ilovevintage.nl
Givenchy ankleboots